A series of moments

I'm intoxicated by my surrounds. I am also literally intoxicated.
Suddenly I remember what it's like to feel free. I dance until I am no longer me but a composition of cells so in tune with the music. The beats are thumping through my head and flowing from my finger tips.
I wonder why it has been so long since I last felt like this.

All of I sudden I feel so chic, so 'on my game'. I'm no longer shy or 'boring'.
I meet James.
We hit it off. Our conversation flows, the chemistry is obvious.
Then he mentions his girlfriend.
I have a mixture of reactions. Why did I assume there was chemistry? Do I dismiss him all of a sudden? Was the connection real?
I am so eager for someone to be attracted to me again.

But we continue to talk. I enjoy his company.
We drink more, get higher.
Suddenly James is appearing interested. He tenderly kisses my forehead and puts his arm around my shoulders.
I question him. What's the deal with the girlfriend? He mumbles something about troubles.
I feel lost - i am concerned about the ramifications, but i am also trapped in his warmth. He whispers lovely things in my ear. How did he know it was exactly what i needed to hear?

He is careful to set boundaries, though buckles a handful of times with a lingering kiss on the lips. He continues to remind himself that we are friends. I nod, I don't make any moves, but I am happy to have his arm around my waist, I feel comfortable in his arms. He gets jealous when I flirt with someone else. Why does that give me a thrill? He has no ownership of me, he has minus ownership of me.

We separate and mingle - yet keep finding each other. I feel joy and relief each time this happens.

The evening becomes morning. The over-indulgence has its price and I am sick. He waits but eventually leaves. I do not get to tell him what he did for me. That he gave me back the confidence I no longer had. That he made me feel valued and special. That if he is unhappy then he deserves better - not because i have delusions of us being together, but because he deserves happiness.
Just as I do.