A series of moments

I'm intoxicated by my surrounds. I am also literally intoxicated.
Suddenly I remember what it's like to feel free. I dance until I am no longer me but a composition of cells so in tune with the music. The beats are thumping through my head and flowing from my finger tips.
I wonder why it has been so long since I last felt like this.

All of I sudden I feel so chic, so 'on my game'. I'm no longer shy or 'boring'.
I meet James.
We hit it off. Our conversation flows, the chemistry is obvious.
Then he mentions his girlfriend.
I have a mixture of reactions. Why did I assume there was chemistry? Do I dismiss him all of a sudden? Was the connection real?
I am so eager for someone to be attracted to me again.

But we continue to talk. I enjoy his company.
We drink more, get higher.
Suddenly James is appearing interested. He tenderly kisses my forehead and puts his arm around my shoulders.
I question him. What's the deal with the girlfriend? He mumbles something about troubles.
I feel lost - i am concerned about the ramifications, but i am also trapped in his warmth. He whispers lovely things in my ear. How did he know it was exactly what i needed to hear?

He is careful to set boundaries, though buckles a handful of times with a lingering kiss on the lips. He continues to remind himself that we are friends. I nod, I don't make any moves, but I am happy to have his arm around my waist, I feel comfortable in his arms. He gets jealous when I flirt with someone else. Why does that give me a thrill? He has no ownership of me, he has minus ownership of me.

We separate and mingle - yet keep finding each other. I feel joy and relief each time this happens.

The evening becomes morning. The over-indulgence has its price and I am sick. He waits but eventually leaves. I do not get to tell him what he did for me. That he gave me back the confidence I no longer had. That he made me feel valued and special. That if he is unhappy then he deserves better - not because i have delusions of us being together, but because he deserves happiness.
Just as I do.

To whom it may concern

I've set a goal for myself -
Find your creativity again. Find your spirit again. Find those things that make you tingle with happiness.

I haven't thought much further past that.

Afterall i'm pretty sure that creativity is something you 'have' not something you can find in the pockets of a pair of jeans you haven't worn for a few years.

But when I was in Grade four, my teacher told the class I had written a fantastic story. She said it was so good she was going to read the story to the class. To my memory she didn't do this for anyone else in the class - although I may have conveniently lost any memory of this.

I can barely remember the story - I think it was about a family who had shrunk in their backyard (sounds awfully familiar to a blockbuster movie at the time). But from that day, at the ripe age of 9, I thought of my self as a person with a keen imagination. I thought I was so lucky to be creative and I would write so many stories.

And yet here I am - trying desperately to get in touch with that 9 year old, who was confident in her abilities.

I think if I was once a creative soul... I can probably be one again?